By Aaron Pollyea

I’ve been playing a Tellarite in our online game for years now. During this time I’ve detailed out segments of Tellarite culture through off hand remarks, short stories, and more. One thing I’ve noted is that while Tellarites can seem angry, gruff, insulting, and rude, it’s all in service to improving themselves, the other person, and society overall. Why waste time talking around a subject when you can get to the point? Why waste any moment you can on pleasantries when you can immediately learn something? Tellarite dating represents this. Purposeful adversity to examine both yourself and your partner in less-than-ideal circumstances. How to improve them, and yourself.

While this list is intended to be humorous (if you couldn’t tell), it is also intended as a way to examine Tellarite society. Suffering to achieve perfection, open and honest communication to ensure everyone knows where they stand, and constant arguing to ensure a better tomorrow.

Roll a d20 to determine which Tellarite date activity you’ll embark on with your date!

1. Glare sullenly at each other. Your date is miserable, even by Tellarite standards. Perhaps if you each look at each other with enough open gloom, something will improve once one of you decides to leave.
2. Replicate food that one of you enjoys and one of you hates. This is an acceptable activity on a Tellarite date as it begins an argument about why one person likes the food, and the other hates it. What better way to get to know the other.
3. Demand to use the most inconvenient mode of transportation available. To most beings, this is rude and inconsiderate. To Tellarite’s it is an excuse to spend more time getting to know the other person.
4. Insult the other’s personal appearance. Tellarites don’t lie when they insult or complain, and pointing out obvious miscarriages of hygiene or fashion is a good way to ensure that that person does not repeat the error of their ways if they wish to continue seeing you socially in the future.
5. Debate what activity to do. What is a more Tellarite activity for a date than debating what one should do on the date? Even if it takes up the entire time allocated to be together. At the very least it means both parties will have a greater understanding of what the other finds entertaining for the next date.
6. Bring your date home so your family may openly judge them. Tellarites will always think the least of those that their loved ones are seeing romantically. Finding faults in others, and by extension themselves, means that only the most suitable potential mates are allowed into families. Why settle for anything less than acceptable?
7. Gift your date with a mundane object. A rock, a wilted flower, an oily rag. Each one of these objects could easily begin a conversation about what it represents objectively, subjectively, philosophically, etc. While to other species a rock is sometimes just a rock, it can be so much more to Tellarites, meaning much more than a family heirloom or otherwise coveted piece of art. What better way to say ‘I love you’ than with a gift of a spatula?
8. Speak loudly, slowly, and only in your native tongue without a universal translator. Tellarites love puzzles, and language is one of them. Language represents a view inside a person and a societies inner workings. It shows what is important to them and how thoughts are linked. While there may be frustration with not immediately understanding one another, the long term benefits are immense.
9. Listen. Sometimes the best thing to do is just to listen to your date. Say nothing. Stare at them silently and intently. Make as few gestures or facial expressions as possible. Have your date return the favor on the second date. When only one person speaks it gives great insight into how they handle themselves in uncomfortable situations.
10. Imbibe. When two Tellarites are seeing each other, this activity does not happen often as Tellarites do not become intoxicated except in extreme circumstances involving pure grain alcohol and pressure chambers. However, when a Tellarite does this activity with a non-Tellarite, it allows them to see how a person will behave when their inhibitions are lowered. It also gives a Tellarite ample chance to find out if you actually knew Tellarites can’t get drunk and were still willing to waste their time. Was this really all about you this whole time? Narcissist!
11. Debate the meaning of existence when the universe so clearly enjoys making you suffer. Life is pain, emotional and physical. Each one of us has to struggle through the days with our own burdens. Share your burdens. Rank them against each other.
12. Sit outside in inclement weather. What better way to appreciate pleasant weather than to risk hypothermia together? There’s a reason why Tellarites are warm-blooded, and that’s to warm each other.
13. Pick a subject you are both passionate about, and debate it loudly in public. What better way to understand someone than to debate them on a subject you both know quite a bit about. You will both come away more enlightened, and hopefully the innocent bystanders will appreciate the learning experience.
14. Protest. Tellarites are passionate about making the universe better, and arguing, insulting, and complaining only goes so far to try and come to a solid conclusion. When the system works against change for the better, protest together.
15. Volunteer. Society isn’t perfect, and while some Tellarites see the best way to promote change as tearing down what doesn’t work, others see the best way forward is to build up new structures. Dating while volunteering shows a willingness to sacrifice your own time together for a greater good.
16. Attend a Theater Debate. Some of the more popular entertainment on Tellar Prime are dramatic debates, scripted and emotionally charged with intricate characters and often set in important historical context. While dramatic, these are always based on fact and fabrication of stances historically important people had is never done.
17. Fine dining. Tellarites love a good meal just as much as any other species. Equally, they enjoy critiquing a meal to ensure the chef knows where they can improve. Bonus appreciation is given to a person who brings a holocamera to record any problems with presentation before consumption.
18. Clean your date’s home. If your romantic partner invites you over to their home and you begin cleaning, it shows two important things. First, that you care enough about the others living space to try and make it better. Second, it allows them to see what is important to you in your living space. This has a side benefit of pointing out where the other is failing in their house keeping duties.
19. Babysit. Relationships are a series of trials and tribulations regardless of species. Finding out if your partner can handle the adversity of an infant being present while enjoying each other’s company may weed out unsuitable candidates for future family expansion.
20. Snuggle. Even gruff, angry-seeming Tellarites appreciate physical affection. It’s just limited to those they find compatible with their own personality. If you are at this point in your relationship, you have a strong one where you know each other well. Debates, arguments, and insults aren’t needed. Appreciate each other’s mere presence, because there will be times when you will be apart.

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